Scenes From Room 7-246

Hey, Why Don't We Do That?!

2008-05-27T13:56:00.005-04:00

i recieved an email today from a parent. he was (understandably) concerned about his grade, but unlike most parents, there was a very specific reason for panic. they were moving to japan next month. why is this cause for panic? this is what i learned today:

apparently, the japanese high school system is very strict on entrance requirements. you can't just enter a public school, like you do here. (in fact, we are required to take any child of a particular age, regardless of background or legal status.) in japan, you have to take a test that is similar to the SAT or ACT, but that's not all. you also have to successfully complete an interview, present recommendations, and show all grades from previous schools and grades. unlike here, ALL of it counts towards your admission to a decent high school. and you want to make sure you get into a good high school, because going to a low level high school excludes entry into a japanese college or university. what it all boils down to is this: everything you do in school is important and carries a consequence.

wow, what a concept. and while i'm not opposed to public education, it would be nice for students to actually have to work hard to attain goals. they do in my classroom, but not everywhere else, especially in grade and middle schools where students often get passed on even though they really shouldn't be. this way, they would start understanding from elementary school that academic choices affect you.

of course, then we wouldn't have anyone to work at the fast-food chains...

Please Just Take a Nap!

2008-05-27T12:26:00.004-04:00

ok, i'm finally at that point. normally, i don't allow students to sleep in my class, for obvious reasons. i even have a spray bottle used to wake up sleepy kids. (fun for everyone except the victim...) but at this point - a week from final exams - it's more effort than it's worth. the kids that can't be bothered officially gave up a few weeks ago; why bother trying anymore when it's too late to bring up your grade? so they do nothing but disrupt class and command the attention of those around them. lately they've started sleeping while we read Fahrenheit 451, and i've started letting them. i really hate admitting that, but sadly, it's the best solution for all involved. they don't have to find something to entertain themselves since they refuse to do work, the kids around them aren't distracted, and i don't have to deal with the outcome of both. it makes me feel a little ineffective, but you can't force a student to learn, especially in the last weeks of the year. if they set their minds against it, that's it. i can entice most of them, and what i need to remember is that about 85% of them make the effort and enjoy what they're doing. for the other 15%, well, if you can't get away with skipping school, at least catch a nap; that way i can teach the others without you interupting...

Oh, the 5th Period Quotes, They Keep A-Comin'

2008-05-23T12:15:00.003-04:00

"there's nothing more fun than a foam finger. seriously, these things are genius!"

"wonder if disney people would have a heart attack if i walked into disney world and started pointing at people. would they freak out and be like, 'no! you're not pointing right!'?"

"ooh! look! i can open the cabinet with the foam finger!"

From 5th...

2008-05-19T12:33:00.002-04:00

me: ok, today we'll be reading pages 63 to 39 -

student 1: 39?

me: oops, just kidding. 93. apparently i'm dyslexic today.

student 2: hey, me too!

me: it must be catching.

student 2: ooh, i'll be careful where i sneeze, then.

Quote of the Day

2008-04-30T11:51:00.003-04:00

from 5th period. clearly.

"the first day that i walked into my 2nd period class, they said i looked like an underwear model. so i don't talk in that class - it's all akward now."

Well, At Least It Wasn't My Kid This Time...

2008-04-23T08:44:00.004-04:00

i needed water, but i only had fifty cents. i set off to see if brehm (a fellow teacher in the opposite horseshoe) had two quarters i could borrow. she did not, so i questioned a neighboring teacher. as she was digging for change, we heard a loud commotion. "a fight?" she wondered. we sprang out into the hallway, only to find brehm outside her classroom - loud noises emanating from inside.

"there's a cockroach," she explained, "and they're trying to get a kid to eat it."

of course there is, and of course they are. i walked into her classroom to see aforementioned student throw something in his mouth and swallow. "AAAAAAUGH!!!" "oh, GROSS!" "i'm going to throw up!" several students rushed past me in an effort to run to the bathroom.

yep, that's right. he ate a cockroach. i came back after making copies to see if he had gone to the nurse. he assured me that after getting a drink of water, he was fine. "and how much did you make?" brehm asked. "six dollars," he replied proudly. yes, you read that correctly; not only did he eat a cockroach, he did it for six dollars.

brehm asked him if he had seen the little white flags posted in our grassy areas. another student informed him that it was a pesticide warning because they sprayed around campus. "which means," i added, since he didn't seem to be getting it, "that the cockroach may have had pesticides on or in it. it does take them a while to die." "hmmmm," the student mused. "well, if i feel icky later on, i'll go to the nurse."

i'm so glad that this is our future....

Talent in the Classroom

2008-03-26T08:06:00.003-04:00

we're doing a unit on poetry cleverly disguised as a survey of song lyrics. (hey, whatever i can do to trick them into learning and liking it...) one of my students (a super-senior who has learned from past mistakes by trying to guide my freshman away from what he did a few years ago) writes his own rap lyrics and records his own hip hop songs. i let him hook up his ipod to my speaker dock and we listened to some of his songs. the kid has talent. i don't even like hip hop that much, but he's got a great sense of musicality and a good ear for what works. more importantly (at least in my opinion), is the fact that he writes clever and meaningful lyrics. i love that the other students have seen (and heard) what he's done and feel like they can do it too. they're inspired to try a little harder on their lyrics, and are even inspired to try to record some of their stuff (with some help from the aforementioned student).

i love seeing the light bulb go off when they realize something's within their reach - especially if they used to think otherwise.

Non-Traditional Valentine's Cards - Straight from Room 7-246

2008-02-14T12:44:00.003-05:00

that was their assignment today: create four to five non-traditional v-day cards. this is what i got.... and these are just a few... (it's lengthy, i know, but it's funny!)

front: you're my friend... inside: ...just not when other people are around

front: i love you! inside: almost as much as i love her

front: why should you wear boots on valentines day? inside: uggs and kisses!

front: if i had a nickle for everytime i said i love you.... inside: ...i'd be broke, since i don't

front: rose are red, violets are blue... inside: ...i like guys, but not ones like you. happy vd!

front: you were there when i was sick, when i got hit by a car, when i was in the hospital; you were there when i lost my mom... inside: damn, you're bad luck!

front: it's great that i'm not single and all inside: but i still don't love you

front: your eyes fill me with wonderment; your heart fills me with love and joy inside: that's why i didn't notice that i parked on your cat... sorry!

front: nothing says "i love you" like fattening you with hoards of chocolate

front: kiss me! inside: ...well, after you eat a breath mint

front: you know, you broke my heart inside: good thing your sister was around to cheer me up

front: you had me at hello inside: i left you at goodbye

front: all i really want for valentine's day is you! inside: well, not really, but i'll say whatever it takes to score expensive jewlery

front: you're a brick (da na na na na) house inside: well, at least you're as big as one

front: this valentine's day, i need to tell you my feelings inside: you're not what i want. it's over

front: roses are red, violets are blue, there's someone special in the world... inside: and it's not you

front: BIG THINGS! inside: your feet, my waist, your heart, our love!

front: i think you're pretty inside: but your money's gorgeous!

front: you give me butterflies inside: and they usually make me puke

front: shut up! inside: my mom says i'm beautiful!

front: if the sky was the limit... inside: i'd let you hold on to the balloon...

front: i love you but you smell. haha.... inside: haha i bet you think i'm joking... haha... no seriously - take a bath

front: i get the same thing every valentine's day... teddy bears, flowers, candy... inside: this year, just give me money!

front: even when we argue, i still want to inside: to shup up and keep your mouth closed

front: violets are blue, roses are red... inside: you broke my heart so i wish you were dead

front: will you be my boyfriend? inside: i really need to get back at my ex

front: i know you hate valentines day but... inside: i know it's just becuase you're single. don't feel bad - anyone would be lucky to have you. not me, however...

i spent a chunk of my day giggling....

How Many Freshmen Does It Take To Open a Door?

2008-02-13T12:12:00.005-05:00

i keep my classroom door shut and locked. it keeps out noise (or keeps it in, depending on the day), and deters people from walking in and disrupting my class. the only side effect from it is that when a student uses the bathroom, someone has to get up to let them in. usually this is no big deal, but sometimes the kids are in the middle of doing something and don't want to get up.

enter a student from my fifth period class (of course). she sits nearest to the door (desks are arranged in a horseshoe shape) and always tries to lean over to the right to open the door, but she just can't reach. yesterday, she said, "you know, if i just had, like, a stick or something i could reach and no one would have to get up." this made sense, so i offered her one of the dowel rods we used as swords in romeo and juliet. unfortunately, it was not strong enough and threatened to break. "i need something thicker."

"what if we put two together? like, taped it or something?" this was from a student on the other side of the room. so we tried it. using masking tape, i bound together two dowels. she tried again. this time it was strong enough, but the dowels slid off before the door was fully opened. "rats."

"ooh, ooh!" exclaimed the student next to her, "go under the handle!" "under it? that won't work." "no, go over the handle, but under the thingie where it goes into the door."

success! this gave enough leverage so that she could open the door from her seat. through a few easy trial and errors, the kids worked out the system of pulling the door open only an inch, letting the stick be pulled back, and then opening the door fully. they really cracked me up with their teamwork to figure out how to fix it.

see? i'm all about practical applications and problem solving.

Oh, the Conversations That Happen in My Room...

2008-02-08T12:15:00.001-05:00

bellwork: congratulations! you are now an immortal god or goddess. what are you the god/dess of? what are your powers? How do you use them?

student 1: i would be the god of karma because i -

student 2: wait, what? you'd be the god of caramel?

student 3: caramel? what kind of powers would you have? you stick to people?

student 1: karma! KARMA! you know, "what you do comes ba-"

student 2: OH! sorry, miss g, i'm SO hungry right now...

student 3: ooh, like a caramel chocolate bar would be so good -

student 1: KARMA!!! not caramel, KARMA!

and of course that was fifth period again....

Can I Please Teach a Music Appreciation Class?

2008-01-31T12:04:00.001-05:00

on my planning period, i heard the strains of billy joel's "we didn't start the fire" coming out of my neighbor's room. when i was in jr. high, our history teacher had us do a fun research project based on the song - i still know all the words. curious to see if she was doing the same thing, i popped into the back of her room.

the kids were trying to guess how old billy joel was; they'd been told that the list of events in the song started the year he was born. i swear i'm not making this up.

girl 1: wait, who's billy joel again?

girl 2: you've seen "the wedding singer," right?

girl 1: yeah...

girl 2: you know that weird guy on the plane when he wants to sing the song?

me: honey, that's billy IDOL.

girl 2: oh. i thought they were the same person.

seriously? i realize that these kids weren't born or were just being concieved when this song came out, but come on, people. that'd be like me not understanding the difference between davey jones and david bowie. that would've been means for grounding in my house - or at least an in-depth tutorial session....

Quote of the Day...

2008-01-25T12:52:00.001-05:00

my 5th period strikes again...

student 1: no, it's ok, i'll sit here. i can read upside down.

student 2: you can do that? i can't do that and i'm dyslexic!

It's Not Just My Kids That Don't Know Musical Legends...

2007-12-05T16:39:00.001-05:00

i was reading an issue of reader's digest and came across this little story. it made me giggle.

"Some young Calabasas, California, children are complaining that a "weird man" keeps popping up at their school and singing "scary songs" to them. Are their parents concerned? Not really, said the New York Post. The man is Bob Dylan, who likes to visit his grandson at school. "The kids don't appreciate that they're in the presence of a musical legend," said one parent. "They just think of him as the weird guitar guy."

Simile of the Day

2007-11-30T16:38:00.001-05:00

yesterday we went over some of the devices and "language tricks" that shakespeare uses throughout romeo & juliet. for homework, the students had to create original examples of similes, metaphors, personification, classical allusions, and so on. the best one?

"Detention sucks like a powerful vacuum."

i laughed out loud. i love when they find inspiration from their own experiences...

Quote of the Day

2007-11-14T15:34:00.001-05:00

from one of my students.... "man, i'm the king of 'manhunt' because i'm black. i blend into everything at night!"

the things that come out of their mouths just crack me up sometimes. :o)

The Latest Craze - And I Swear I'm Not Making This Up

2007-11-11T16:59:00.001-05:00

the latest fad on our high school campus? no, it's not what the teens are wearing, it's something they're playing with. you may ask, is it a new cellphone, perhaps? nope. a new high-tech mp3 player? not even close. the newest craze - to the point that i have to tell them to put it away because they need to do work - is the rubik's cube.

what's that, you ask? have we somehow landed in 1983? (it wouldn't be hard to draw that conclusion given the footless tights, day-glow shirts, and ballet flats that all the girls are wearing, but i digress...) no, it seems that since these kids weren't alive in the 80's, they somehow missed out on the entertaining and puzzling color cube. they have now found it, and it's the latest thing to see how long it takes you to solve it. they have races. i am not making this up. and these races are not being done by the nerdy social pariahs. oh, no, these are the normal, fairly popular, main-stream kids.

it just boggles my mind.

English 1 - Open-Book Quiz: Question 16

2007-10-28T18:12:00.001-04:00

Please complete the "Quickwrite" on page 220 in your textbook.

Quickwrite: What is your most prized possesion? What is most important to you? If there was a fire and you only had time to get one thing out of your house, what would it be and why?

there were lots of garden-variety answers...

"I would save my photo album of all my friends and family."
"My family is most important to me, so I would make sure I had them first."
"I'd save my cat (dog, bird, etc.) first."

there were some sweet, sentimental answers...

"I would save my gold necklace that my grandma gave me because I don't get to see her very often."
"I would take the photo of me and my sister - we'll probably never be as happy as we were in that picture because our lives changed shortly after it was taken."
"It might sound weird, but my cellphone. My cousin gave it to me, and he died a few months later."
"My blankie. I've had it since I was a month old and just having it in my room makes me feel better. We've been through a lot together."

some were practical...

"I'd take my laptop, because first, it has all my pictures and music on it, and second, because it was expensive and my parents would kill me."
"I would grab my cell phone because that way I could call for help."

and then there were these two...

"I would make sure to save my dog because I love him. (But my most prized possesion is my PS2)"

...and my favorite...

"My most prized possesion is my Xbox. Without it, I wouldn't be able to play Halo 3, and then what would I do?"

well, at least he's honest...

Pine-Fresh Schmaltz - Two Scenes from the Classroom

2007-10-24T16:11:00.001-04:00

on tuesday, my students had a work day for their writing assignments. the assignment dealt with emulating poe's writings, and i encouraged them to get descriptive. at one point, one of my girls looked up and said, "miss g? what does pine smell like?" to which most of the class groaned or fired off a "are you kidding me?" after some questioning i learned that she's really not the outdoors type and stays inside as much as possible. apparently this means never setting foot near potpourri or a pine-scented candle, but i digress. and even though fellow students tried to help her, the best they could really do is say, "it smells like pine! like… green. and plants. and stuff…" which was, needless to say, not entirely helpful. so i did the best thing i could think of: i sent her outside to the back of the school to smell a pine tree. it worked – she came back in with a good description of the smell, but i'm glad no administrator saw her… i would hate to have to explain why one of my students was outside during class sniffing plant life…

today, after turning in an assignment, i had my students work on a few exercises dealing with formal and informal language (because i'm really tired of reading the text messages that pass for assignments from them). unfortunately, whoever wrote our "english workshop" books were a bit out of touch. they were written in 1995; this is the year i graduated high school, and i assure you, never in my high school career did i use the phrases "bogus bash," "outta sight," "groovy tunes," or "skidoo." (well, i might have, but if i did, i'm sure my tongue was firmly planted in my cheek.) one of the sentences they had to rewrite read, "at the wedding, all they played was this schmaltzy music." a first-period student asked me what schmaltzy meant, so i explained it was like cheesy, but that's informal, too. he nodded and asked me if "displeasing" would work. i said sure. a few minutes later the bell rang and our in-between-classes-music started. today it was "come friday" and "too much fun", horrible country songs that played in an endless loop between every class. my student looked at me, gestured up at the speakers and said, "this is schmaltzy music, miss." indeed. way to use that new vocabulary word…

The Good Ones Make It Worth Putting Up With the Punks

2007-09-10T18:19:00.000-04:00

i realized the other day that i complain about my students sometimes. and let's be honest, folks - i teach 9th graders. there are bound to be some tools in the shed. but i do have some really great kids, too, and sometimes i forget that. sometimes the punks are pulling so much of my focus that i forget why i do what i do. it's for the good kids. the ones who can't wait for the next writing assignment so they can top their friend's last story. the quiet, observant girl who sits on the side of the room in my chatty 3rd period class and, when teased about how she obviously doesn't have a myspace account - apparently a mortal offense in the world of teens - she continues up to the front of the room, smiles pleasantly, deadpans "oh, i have one. i just don't want to have to add people like you," and starts her presentation without skipping a beat. it's the kid who i taught two years ago and who still stops by my room just to say "hi", and the senior who stops by after school for help on her college entrance essays because she values my advice. it's for kids like my "repeat student" from last year - a great kid who's quite bright, but just got a little lazy last year. i just found out (via the presentation he did yesterday) that his father died about 3 months ago - which explains the large chunk of missed school at the end of the year - and though he wanted to share a memory of his dad, it quite literally broke him yesterday. he spent the last 15 minutes of class trying to hold it in, and he was down again today. (this is a kid that doesn't know the meaning of "down" or "stressed".)

it breaks my heart that i can't help, because that's my job. and it's what i want to do - inspire these kids, help them along, make figuring out their place in the world a little easier. i just realized that maybe i don't mention how great some of these kids are. maybe i would benefit from noticing that more often...

5 Down, 175 To Go...

2007-08-24T20:21:00.001-04:00

well, five days down, 175 to go. the first week of school has gone ridiculously well for having 5 periods of freshmen, and i really believe it will stay this way - or mostly this way. last year's freshmen were largely a bunch of tools who acted like they were entitled to behave however they wanted. not so this year (thankfully). this year's freshmen are timid and well-behaved and i am LOVING it. it's been remarkably easy to get them into a routine, and as any teacher can tell you, the first week is the most important one. how this week turns out is very indicative of how the rest of the year will go. if this keeps up, i will have an amazing year. two of my periods are already responding to my teaching style... i think the other ones haven't figured out what to do with me yet... i'm just as random and dead-panned sarcastic with them as i am in real life, so they're not sure if i'm serious or joking sometimes. they'll catch on soon. so anyway, i'm actually kind of excited about the year, which is awesome since i wasn't sure what to expect with all 9th graders. so, yay, me! and yay, class of 2011! (good lord, that makes me feel old...) keep your fingers crossed that it stays this way....

Who Needs Knives When I Have Worksheets?

2007-08-22T16:52:00.001-04:00

i have been back to school for 7 days; 4 days of pre-planning, and 3 days of students. in that time, i have managed to give myself several thousand papercuts. seriously, i have 6 visible cuts that are healing/scarring, and several more that were tiny enough not to leave a mark. but don't let the size of the cut fool you, my friends - even the tiniest slice hurts like a BITCH. why do papercuts hurt so much? i have sliced my thumb open with a steak knife, and it didn't hurt this badly. oy. i may have to take to shuffling through worksheets and homework while wearing gloves... anyone who finds a stylish pair - let me know, would ya? apparently i need them.

Things To Do Before We Die

2007-06-15T14:42:00.001-04:00

i was attempting to sort through some of my school stuff (not that i got very far, mind you) and ran across the lists that i made into posters for my room. the lists were complilations made from responses to the following writing prompt: come up with at least 75 things you want to accomplish before you die. the answers ran the gamut from sweet to silly to downright hilarious. i put the posters up in the room, and as the students accomplished some of the easier ones, they signed their initials next to it.

they are broken up by period. enjoy!

First Period - Some Life Goals:

finish high school
go to France to shop
meet Jackie Chan
buy Dad a big house to grow old in
play soccer in South Africa
ride in a hot air baloon
get blessed by the pope
avoid jail time
go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans
be the coolest dad in the world
get a tattoo
run in the New York Marathon
win Miss Universe
marry Angelina Jolie
make a fool of myself on American Idol
go to the Super Bowl
go bungee jumping
eat 50 slices of CiCi's pizza in a row *note: he actually did this, but unfortunately it didn't stay in his stomach very long...
ride a lawn mower from Miami to Seattle
lick a snake *this was signed by 5 people by the end of the year... just odd...
see a UFO
ride a bull
take my grandkids to Disney World
have a maid and butler
invent a word that gets into the dictionary
meet Prince
pass the FCAT

Fifth Period's Life Goals:

learn ju-jitsu
get my lip pierced
be on the news (but not for being arrested or anything)
get through high school
travel to Fiji
meet the members of U2
understand chemistry
see snow
go ice skating in Rockefeller Center
take my father to Costa Rica
graduate from med school with honors
find my soul mate
go to the Bermuda Triangle (and not get sucked in)
have a lot of hats
find the Loch Ness monster
go to Italy with my best friend
get a 3.0
go ziplining
find the end of a rainbow
learn 5 languages
buy an outrageously expensive pair of shoes
feed a lion
be drawn into a cartoon
not have to dissect things ever again

It Was the Bee's Knees in Class Today!

2007-05-09T17:28:00.001-04:00

i love my juniors. let me just start off by saying that.

we just finished up the great gatsby and as a culminating activity, each class had to throw a 1920's party. they were separated into committees: invitations, entertainment, food and drink, decorations, and music. they had a few days to research the practices, music, decor, and menus of the day, and today they threw the parties.

too much fun.

both decoration committees came up with home decor of the period (we even had a "chandelier" taped to the ceiling in fifth period, and first period went about making flapper headbands for the class). both groups in charge of music burned excellent cd's of 20's and 30's music. both entertainment groups decided to teach period dances - though admittedly, fifth period went to the trouble of choreographing an adorable little routine, and the class had way more fun joining in. (i'd attach the videos of them dancing - it's too cute - but i don't want random videos and pics of teenagers running around on the internet...) the menu planners all did a great job - and first period even went so far as to print up little menu cards for everyone, as would have been done at the swankiest formal parties. the invitations were fun, if not completely authentic, and (most) everyone dressed nicely. all in all, a good time was had by all.

i love when they have fun, learn something, and realize that the learning process itself was the fun part.

the place setting and the decor...

Welcome to the Show Choir Jungle

2007-03-18T18:24:00.001-04:00

i am a dork. this is not a new development, but in case someone reading this is not yet privvy to this fact, i thought i'd point it out before i explain how i spent a chunk of saturday. so consider this paragraph "background info"; those of you who know me well can safely skip this part and go down to the second paragraph. it's ok - you won't miss anything. for the rest of you, yes, i am a dork, but my dorkdom is primarily focused in the theatre/musical/band/dance areas. i am currently working with the choir at school to choreograph a couple numbers for the spring concert, and the idea of maybe starting a show choir at school has been bandied about a bit. so it is with these thoughts in mind that amy (the choir diva) and i found ourselves at epcot, sitting in the america gardens theatre, watching the finals of the Showstoppers Show Choir Invitational Competition. yes, we are both big fat dorks, but we also wanted to get an idea of what we needed to think about before approaching our principal with this idea. (and we wanted see people who were even bigger dorks that we were - mission accomplished.)

** note: if you are a director or parent involved in a championship show choir from the mid-west, you may want to stop reading now to avoid the chance of being offended. **

mostly what we took away from the day was what NOT to do, and the certainty that we would NEVER make our kids do some of this stuff. we did come up with some ideas of what TO do, as well, but that mostly came from us, and not from what we witnessed on stage. first up were the top three girls' choirs, followed later in the afternoon by the top five soloists and the top five mixed choirs. what appalled me the most was the need to make these kids dance through every second of every song. the choreography had no place in most of the songs, and made no sense most of the time. also, these kids were drilled within inches of their lives, so that each of their movements were exact, finite, and perfect. which sounds good in theory, exept people don't really move like that, so they just looked like a team of well-programed robots spinning on stage. also, as far as i'm concerned the "cheerleader nod" and the "oh, i'm so surprised and cute at the same time" look have no place in theatre, dance, or especially show choir.

and i don't even know how to describe the abject horror amy and i experienced as we watched 40 white kids from the mid-west perform hip hop moves, which had clearly been taught to them by someone who was not only white, but had never met a minority or watched a dance or hip hop video in their life. it would be easier to describe if i could just attach a video of me re-enacting this heinous dance move, but alas, i do not have the technology to do so. so in order to convey the severity of the crime committed, i will write you a how-to. please just follow the simple instructions below, and you, too, may be jumped for looking like an idiot.

step one: stand up and move slightly away from your computer (far away enough not to cause damage, but close enough so that you can still read. if you are concerned about your lack of dance skills, you may want to print these instructions out and then go to large empty space void of people.) you may also want to inform any others in the room with you what it is you are doing so they do not think you have lost your mind or want to beat you up.

step two: place your feet shoulder width apart in a relaxed stance.

step three: form your hands into blades. press all your fingers and the thumb of each hand close together, and hold your wrists rigid so that your hands jut stiffly from your arms.

step four: bend your elbows at a forty-five degree angle, keeping your elbows tucked fairly close to your body throughout the following steps.

step five: lift your bent arms up and pulse them twice, so that your arms go up, down, up, down. you will do this twice - once to the left and once to the right.

step six: as you raise your arms to the left to begin your pumps (don't forget to keep those fingers locked together and those hands rigid), you will raise your left leg, bending at the knee. you will make two knee pumps that echo the movements of your arms.

step seven: repeat on the right side.

step eight: do this 4-count sequence twice, so that you have two pumps to the left, two to the right, two more to the left, and two more to the right.

step nine: as you execute the left pumps, say "what, what" as your hands and knee hit the "up" position.

step ten: throughout this eight-count routine, keep your chin up, eyes straight ahead, and smile so fully that your teeth and cheeks begin to ache.

step eleven: take yourself very, very seriously.

congratulations! you may now join an elite show choir from nebraska!

but again, at least we learned what NOT to do. and we also learned that if any of our multi-cultural kids ever came to one of these competions, we would definitely have to provide them with notebooks to write down all their snide comments so that the parents and fans around them wouldn't hear.

p.s. did i mention we suffered through one show choir doing "welcome to the jungle" wearing zebra-print dresses for the girls and red velour jackets with zebra collars for the boys? we did.