Welcome to the Show Choir Jungle

i am a dork. this is not a new development, but in case someone reading this is not yet privvy to this fact, i thought i'd point it out before i explain how i spent a chunk of saturday. so consider this paragraph "background info"; those of you who know me well can safely skip this part and go down to the second paragraph. it's ok - you won't miss anything. for the rest of you, yes, i am a dork, but my dorkdom is primarily focused in the theatre/musical/band/dance areas. i am currently working with the choir at school to choreograph a couple numbers for the spring concert, and the idea of maybe starting a show choir at school has been bandied about a bit. so it is with these thoughts in mind that amy (the choir diva) and i found ourselves at epcot, sitting in the america gardens theatre, watching the finals of the Showstoppers Show Choir Invitational Competition. yes, we are both big fat dorks, but we also wanted to get an idea of what we needed to think about before approaching our principal with this idea. (and we wanted see people who were even bigger dorks that we were - mission accomplished.)

** note: if you are a director or parent involved in a championship show choir from the mid-west, you may want to stop reading now to avoid the chance of being offended. **

mostly what we took away from the day was what NOT to do, and the certainty that we would NEVER make our kids do some of this stuff. we did come up with some ideas of what TO do, as well, but that mostly came from us, and not from what we witnessed on stage. first up were the top three girls' choirs, followed later in the afternoon by the top five soloists and the top five mixed choirs. what appalled me the most was the need to make these kids dance through every second of every song. the choreography had no place in most of the songs, and made no sense most of the time. also, these kids were drilled within inches of their lives, so that each of their movements were exact, finite, and perfect. which sounds good in theory, exept people don't really move like that, so they just looked like a team of well-programed robots spinning on stage. also, as far as i'm concerned the "cheerleader nod" and the "oh, i'm so surprised and cute at the same time" look have no place in theatre, dance, or especially show choir.

and i don't even know how to describe the abject horror amy and i experienced as we watched 40 white kids from the mid-west perform hip hop moves, which had clearly been taught to them by someone who was not only white, but had never met a minority or watched a dance or hip hop video in their life. it would be easier to describe if i could just attach a video of me re-enacting this heinous dance move, but alas, i do not have the technology to do so. so in order to convey the severity of the crime committed, i will write you a how-to. please just follow the simple instructions below, and you, too, may be jumped for looking like an idiot.

step one: stand up and move slightly away from your computer (far away enough not to cause damage, but close enough so that you can still read. if you are concerned about your lack of dance skills, you may want to print these instructions out and then go to large empty space void of people.) you may also want to inform any others in the room with you what it is you are doing so they do not think you have lost your mind or want to beat you up.

step two: place your feet shoulder width apart in a relaxed stance.

step three: form your hands into blades. press all your fingers and the thumb of each hand close together, and hold your wrists rigid so that your hands jut stiffly from your arms.

step four: bend your elbows at a forty-five degree angle, keeping your elbows tucked fairly close to your body throughout the following steps.

step five: lift your bent arms up and pulse them twice, so that your arms go up, down, up, down. you will do this twice - once to the left and once to the right.

step six: as you raise your arms to the left to begin your pumps (don't forget to keep those fingers locked together and those hands rigid), you will raise your left leg, bending at the knee. you will make two knee pumps that echo the movements of your arms.

step seven: repeat on the right side.

step eight: do this 4-count sequence twice, so that you have two pumps to the left, two to the right, two more to the left, and two more to the right.

step nine: as you execute the left pumps, say "what, what" as your hands and knee hit the "up" position.

step ten: throughout this eight-count routine, keep your chin up, eyes straight ahead, and smile so fully that your teeth and cheeks begin to ache.

step eleven: take yourself very, very seriously.

congratulations! you may now join an elite show choir from nebraska!

but again, at least we learned what NOT to do. and we also learned that if any of our multi-cultural kids ever came to one of these competions, we would definitely have to provide them with notebooks to write down all their snide comments so that the parents and fans around them wouldn't hear.


p.s. did i mention we suffered through one show choir doing "welcome to the jungle" wearing zebra-print dresses for the girls and red velour jackets with zebra collars for the boys? we did.